View Single Post
  #9  
Old 04-02-2009, 01:14 PM
swaswj swaswj is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,031
Default

Ok, round two.

Quote:
Kanjo used to be a happy person who enjoyed life and found many things to be enjoyable, but due to the loss of his lifetime friend Mao.

Kanjo has become a cold person more searching for his death, rather than looking for happiness.

Kanjo still holds onto the belief that not all people are bad but tends to suspect everyone of foul play. He never wants others to feel the emptiness he feels.
This is spaced rather awkwardly, and you have broken up one complete sentence into two fragments. Also, you'll either have to describe it better or remove the contradiction here: you can't think all people are good and suspect them all of being bad.

Your physical stature slips into run-ons again. Read your writing out loud to yourself. You can only pause when there's a comma or other punctuation, and vice-versa you have to pause when there is. You'll really pick up a lot of the run-on and fragment issues that way.

Your stats... aren't inherently wrong (they add up), but it kind of worries me when they're balanced out like that. Choose the stats that fit the character.

The sample chapter, I'm not going to delve that deeply into quite yet. It has a lot of the same run-on and fragment problems. One thing I will say that will help greatly: use italics on Kanjo's thoughts.

Post again when you're ready for another look.
__________________
Head GM of Halcyon Days