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Kiodos
04-10-2008, 08:52 PM
[V] Week 26 – Nakayama, Yurasu

Contact Info:
-AIM: LogicalxRemnant
-MSN: Exigious@live.com

Name: Nakayama, Yurasu

Age: 112 (Looks as if he were 18-21)

Persona: Yurasu is a very miserly person. He likes to focus on all the bad that's come his way, normally never focusing on the good. His happy moments normally come when he's inflicting pain, hurt, or able to trick someone into becoming worse off then he is. Yurasu loves music though, often times you'll find him with his head bobbing to the beat of the music he listens to, and at rare times you can see him air guitar parts of songs. Or more rarely then the air guitar you can see him talking to the air, not saying much, but when he does speak to no one you had damned well better listen in.

Physical Stature: Yurasu is a mean lookin' dude. Where most males stay at the average height of 5'10''-6'; Yurasu towers over them at a whopping 6'6''. Aside from his tallness he's a generally slender person. Through the years though he's gotten scars from rough encounters with various Hollows. Most people would say Yurasu's appearance doesn't go with his normal mood, but if it weren't for this body of his he wouldn't have come back from half the fights he's gotten scars from. He also has dark reddish brown eyes, that seem to change color with his attitude. The more red, the angrier he is. When they appear to be more brown, he normally appears to be calm though in a depressed manner.

Biography: Yurasu's life has been an odd one, if you even want to say that. Where most people looked forward to being friends with others, he could have personally really cared less. After his first year of high school he had developed mental schizophrenia, making him see objects as well as people who weren't there. Through out the years he started to see weirder things then he had already experienced. He saw what most know now as Hollows, in reality the hollows weren't part of his disillusions but knowing he had Schizophrenia he thought they were.

Day after day he would see horrible images, that often times his mind had conjured for himself. Where some hollows he saw were real, most weren't. Barely making it through high school, he was a wreck half the time. Sputtering on and on about things that to other people, seemed crazy.

After several months he had taken to chasing down these creatures he saw, often most it would end with him loosing track of them or being cut off. One time though he didn't come back.

Chasing what appeared to be a female through a back alley way, he was killed. When people found his body, there was an odd maniacally evil grin on his face.

Mask: Yurasu's mask is characterized by the appearence of what seems to be fingers erupting from the side of the mask. Another outstanding feature of the mask is it's gold and black markings on it. It appears to be very similar to the ornate masks of Europe in the early 1800's.

Zanpakutou: The unreleased Zanpakutou appears to be a normal katana. The blade is awkward in the way that it appears to have been glued together or remade several times. The sword is very sturdy, and the cracks in it aren't real though from a decent length from it, it would appear as so. The handle is wrapped in almost mummy like wrappings, the material on it seems old and ragged, and towards the end of the hilt the bandage like material dangles almost a foot after.


Reiatsu: 100
Zanjutsu: 45
Hakuda: 23
Hohou: 22
Kidou: 10
Connection: 0


Yurasu ran towards the ever unmoving hollow. He was sick of them, sick of seeing them all the time. It was as if they'd never left him alone and for that reason alone he was hunting them. Over time he had developed a way of making them come to him, but as always it required him to find a poor hopeless soul hollows would love to feast on. This time though was different. It was as if the hollow had figured out his plan before hand, because not only did it catch him off guard, but he was also able to consume the soul as well. After several minutes Yurasu calmly made his way to where the hollow was positioned.
"You are one tricky bastard, yah know that?" He said pointing a lone finger at the hollow. "Not only did you get the damned soul, but you caught me off guard."
The hollow seemed to notice him, but not as much as Yurasu would have liked.
"Trust me though," He said reaching to his back. "I won't let it happen again."
As soon as he had finished his sentence it appeared as if he pulled the sword out of thin air from his back. He continued to walk towards the hollow in a manner that not only showed that he was cocky, but in a way that left plenty of openings for the hollow to attack.
After several minutes of walking at a dead slow pace, Yurasu seemed to suddenly get furious. "I know dammit, I'm going to kill this fu-"
Before he could finish his sentence the hollow lunged at him, as if he were a petty animal. With one seemingly motionless flick of his wrist the hollows arm was sliced off.

Looking at the lost arm disappear the hollow, howled in rage.
Yurasu swung his blade, but in a more profound motion allowing the blade to be seen. Instead of cutting the hollows mask in half, as the swing was supposed to do it was stopped by the two middle fingers of the beast.
"Well, this is going to be dumb." He said pulling his blade back, "Just die already."
The hollow laughed a devious laugh, leading Yurasu to believe that he wasn't showing his true strength.

"Okay. Fine." He said moving his head to the side, talking to what appeared to be the air. "He wants me to test you, well he wants me to... Well..."
He decided against finishing his sentence, instead he took a wire with two ear buds on the end from his pocket. Placing one bud in his left ear and the other in his right he pulled from his pocket a small MP3 player. Clicking through the playlists he finally found what he was looking for. Led Zeppelin. Hitting the play button he proceeded to put the MP3 back into his pocket.
"Thanks for waiting." Yurasu said in a very unenthusiastic voice.
The hollow only made what sounded like a laugh and turned his entire body towards him.
Yurasu could see the mask the hollow was wearing move up and down, as it let out a howl. He only turned up his music more to drown the noise from the hollow out. Smiling he said, "Well lets finish this up."

The hollow was outraged by Yurasu's disrespect. Growling at him he quickly lunged at him, in a speed that was to quick for a normal human to see. Side stepping the lunge he ran after the hollow. Swing after swing he missed the hollow. Until he stopped trying to fight him at all, instead he stopped. Taking his sword towards the top of the handle, he started moving his two hands as if he were playing a guitar. His face became more intense and his back arched. Yurasu was completely in the moment.

The hollow lunged once more, but in speed that well surpassed it's own. Yurasu disappeared and was now behind him, still moving his hands to the sound of the guitar. The hollow lunged again, still Yurasu moved, not even opening his eyes.

After several more pitiful attempts a smile appeared on Yurasu's face. He opened his eyes and said in a truly liquid voice, "Your time is up."
Yurasu's hands flicked up and without any movement the hollows remaining arm was cut off, it's arm falling to the ground and disappearing. One more flick of his hand and the hollow only had one leg, falling to the hard black top ground.

"My, my. What should we do?" He said with a malevolent smile.
Walking towards the hollow, he smiled. It appeared truly afraid of him. As he neared the hollows remaining leg he rose his sword above his head, preparing to cut it off. Laughing he brought the sword down.
Walking around the stumpy body he made his way to the head. The hollow growled in a beastial manner, but from Yurasu's music being so loud nothing got through. His laugh became more maniacal and raising his sword he brought it down, stopping centimeters above the mask.
"What?" He said looking to his right all of a sudden.
He started to walk away, his sword raised ready to attack, "Well fuc-"
Yurasu said as he swung randomly downwards in a slant to the left, "-k You too."
Walking back he took one of the ear buds out and knealed next to the hollows head, "Sorry about that."
The hollow growled pitifully, obviously showing that he had no more fight in him.

Once more he looked away.
"Please elaborate on why I should do such a funny thing." He said talking to the air to his right.
Yurasu nodded his head several times and before getting up, Yurasu sliced downwards leaving the blade jutting halfway through it's mask.
"Oops, clumsy ol' me." He said slowly cutting the rest of the mask, causing as much pain to the hollow as he could.
As the hollows body disappeared he put his sword on his back, and took the ear buds out of his ears. Walking away he smiled, he'd had fun today. Something he hadn't in a while.
"Maybe I don't know." He whispered to the air.
Walking several feet farther he jumped, "We'll see next time."

Word Count: 1035

Sky Gypsy
04-10-2008, 08:54 PM
Word count's gotta' be 1000 words. Decent bio though. Cheers for the Vizards. :3

Doctor
04-10-2008, 08:55 PM
I can't pick out any glaring errors with just a cursory search, but I can tell you that your sample chapter needs to have at least 1000 words.

Kiodos
04-11-2008, 03:37 PM
Still working.

I know it had to be longer, but I had things to do yesterday.

Edit: Done.

Kiodos
04-11-2008, 09:51 PM
I'm done... Who needs to check it?

louhi
04-11-2008, 10:32 PM
heyhey~ welcome to HD, kiodos^^

as you can probably see, there's a huuuuge glut of apps this week, so things are moving slow. all the official stuff with regard to apps is done by one gal, and she's got a big role in our current plot mission too. so, just be patient, as it may take 3 or 4 days.


As for the app - very erm, tormented character D: you may have trouble interacting with other players like this at the start, since everyone will be much stronger than him and that sort of attitude won't always go over well with say, a superior in the army of masks. Is he really schizophrenic, or is it just a mistaken diagnosis for a guy who can see ghosts?

I'm a little confused with the zanpakutou description, having a hard time visualizing it. A picture might help; my main interest here is because as the zanpakutou staff, i don't usually allow anything too far outside of the normal. The way you described, I'm picturing something like errr one of these (http://www.freehomepages.com/shaddak/weap/KBLADE.jpg) kajiggers, but straight instead of curved.. in which case you're better off saving that for a released form.


The chapter, unfortunately, is goin to need some work. beating a hollow with reasoning/speech capacity when you're only at 100 rei is sadly, not possible : ( at this point you will have to struggle even when dealing with those silly ones that just grunt and growl and howl like a beast. just part of being a new guy, yeh ^^ in addition to that, it looks like your paragraph spacing got messed up when you pasted your chapter out of word or whatever, so it turned into a big ol block of text. when you fix it, make sure to get those double spaces in between paragraphs so it's easy to read.

that's all i have for now, but i'm sure other people will come by with some comment. good luck! n_n

-louhi-

Kiodos
04-11-2008, 10:55 PM
I'm not revising it, so if I have to I guess just delete this.

Fuzakeru
04-11-2008, 11:03 PM
If you can't even be open minded enough to appreciate one of our RP members reviewing your application and follow the advice they have given you in order to help you become an approved member of this RP then its fine that you left.

I find your attitude unacceptable.

Fuzakeru
04-12-2008, 06:12 PM
After discussing the situation with Kiodos, I'm going to reopen his application. In regards to the sample chapter - I'm going to think on it and post my verdict later when I post the review.

Kiodos
04-12-2008, 06:14 PM
Louhi, after reviewing what I said in response to your post I'm sorry for acting like an ass. I was just annoyed with various things, and chose to take it out on the only person who presented an opening.

Thanks again Steph.

Fuzakeru
04-14-2008, 03:41 PM
Alright, Kiodos, I was only able to skim thus far before work called me in but I want you to know I'm working on a review and I'm very, very, very pleased to see you changed your sample chapter up.

In truth, I was going to ask you to do just what you did and from what I see, it makes a huge difference.

Tonight, I'll make finishing your review a top priority when I return from work. Until then, please remain to be as patient as you have been and expect to see my comments later tonight.

Thanks!

Stephie
- Head o' App Staff

Kiodos
04-14-2008, 04:14 PM
Cool thanks. I look forward to RP'ing with everyone =D

Fuzakeru
04-15-2008, 12:57 AM
Stephie here from the App staff - ready to do some reviewing!

The name and age look fine and dandy.

I like the persona too. Though he's very pessimistic, he has his little quirk when it comes to music. From the persona, I wouldn't have imagined his physical stature to be what it is but its not a bad thing. It would have been nice to see more information about his physical appearance though ( eye color, maybe hair color and style... )

Nice job there with throwing in the mental schizophrenia to explain him seeing pluses and the white faced monsters. I also like how it effected his relationships with his peers. I'm a bit confused on how he died but the mystery if intriguing and a good catch to get your readers to come check out your stuff later on to find out. =3

I haven't seen anyone do... fingers... in their mask themes so... that's unique.

Okay, I know that you were going to use this form of your zanpakutou for your released shape but in the application we're looking for a description of your unreleased zanpakutou. Is the hilt a unique color? Do you have a ribbon of bandage hanging from it? Those kinds of simple details is what we're hoping for. Soo...yeah.

Stats look good.

Alright, I'm fine with you killing the hollow but I still think you're over doing it with the 'bad ass' thing. To be truthful, reading you having an honest fight with the hollow would have been a lot more interesting than reading about you just show boating. More over, I think you should be a careful how you write your character. While I got the 'pessimism' from his attitude at the very, very end ( after the hollow disappeared ), I didn't really think of him the way you described him in your persona otherwise. He was really more punk ass about it than apathetic.
While its a huge improvement over your previous sample chapter submission, I still have a big problem with the hollow talking at all.


The hollow only chuckled and said, "your quite the interes-"
Yurasu could see the mask the hollow was wearing move showing that he was talking. He only turned up his music more to drown the noise from his voice out. Smiling he said, "Well lets finish this up."

I'm afraid I'm going to remain firm that your hollow shouldn't speak. At this point, its a tiny change compared to the wonderful edits you've made thus far.

So, edit the zanpakutou section and no hollowing talking at all and I think you'll be good to go. Post in the Final Draft thread when you've made these corrections and I'll take a look over everything again. If you have concerns about any comments I've made or questions – you know my AIM name. Just IM me.



Oh, and as a mod note - the sig is cool but huuuuuge~ You should shrink it or put it behind a spoiler. o.o

Fuzakeru
04-16-2008, 11:26 AM
First off - even though I'm not a CG fan, I really love your avy / sig set. n_n It seems very appropriate for you for some reason and looks pretty damn cool.

That's neither here no there! What is here and there is this - You're APPROVED!

I appreciate your patience and willingness to cooperate with the changes we've requested you to change.

Here's your agenda now -

1.) Post this application as your profile in the vizard section. There's several profiles to look through for ideas as you're allowed to be creative with the format of your profile.

2.) Post your stats in the Personal Records section in the newest thread so your grader next week can easily find them.

3.) In the writing section create a new thread and in there post your chapter. If you write any more chapters this week, those will also be posted in that thread. You have until Saturday, 11:59 PM (EST) to write for Week 27.